I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
