The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
