You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
