Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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