So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
