it hurts more in the daytime
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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