He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
organizing the empties. That sober.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
