It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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