I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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