Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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