Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
