i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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