If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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