This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
