how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
