Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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