I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
