'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
