I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
