we have pet lesbian snakes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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