Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
