Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
