They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
