Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so let's talk penis.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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