She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
