Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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