OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
if i can run in heels then i can drive
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
