Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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