Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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