Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
