I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
