I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
