My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
