I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
