He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We are two peas in an std pod
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
