He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
