I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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