weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
