Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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