Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
