is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
