all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
