Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
