I faked an abortion last night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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