I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
