If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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