I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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