I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
