I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
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