***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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