guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I didn't shave. On purpose
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
